Status report

The H is in L.A., holed up in a fancy hotel (thanks to his potential next job,) trying to finish the current job. He left on Monday morning, flies home tomorrow. B was away in NYC Sunday and Monday, taking the train back up here Tuesday night. While it hasn't exactly been the Fortress of Solitude here on the farm, it has been different.

I felt funky from Monday morning on--agitated, stressed, craving (and enjoying) chocolate, and any other sweet-y, starch-y comestible comfort I could lay my hands on. Yesterday was more of the same, culminating today in an agitated, spacey morning where I missed a yoga class and ran aimless, not entirely necessary errands just to fill time while the Babe and B went on a playdate with another au pair'd child. Driving through Pittsfield (which is not as bad as the name suggests--thanks, Cupcake, for allowing me to rip that snappy thought right off from your blog), I had the Homer Simpson-esque "DOH" moment. In a flash of insight, I knew what was wrong. I was lonely. Lonely is not something I have much allowed my self to feel. I am an only child; I crave solitude; I am good at entertaining myself. I like it when my husband is away: I treasure the rare moments I have alone in my house. These are closely guarded rules of how I think about myself. But there was no need and no desire to try to walk (or drive, or munch) away from this reality. It was simply there, solid, calmly filling every bit of me. And as soon as I recognized who, or what, was lurking in the corner of my head, the anxiety drifted off.

It was too early to call any friends in L.A. Sending emails wouldn't guarantee contact. I felt weird calling the few people I know well enough here yet to call about, well, feeling lonely. So instead, I sent a text to a friend (I text now; this is what happens when you live with a 24 year old.) A new friend. One who lives here. We're having coffee tomorrow. I feel much better.


Jen said...

you know i'm up early...call! usually exercising but up by 5:30 or so so just call my cell. nathaniel broke his arm (again!) yesterday so i had a weird day too. i miss you here! let's talk soon.

rebecca said...

Friends here get lonely too!

And I missed you in yoga. It was taught the the local beautiful people's yogini, and it was truly beautiful people yoga. Beautiful yogini said let your egos drop right onto the floor, and there was an audible, nay deafening crash.

Which, of course, was MY ego.

(Ooooh, my "jumble" below is OMSWK! Om...sucks? Oms ... work?)

Kari said...

I am lonely like 90% of the time and happy to discuss it any time of the day or night. I am for the most part pretty comfortable with it, but then again, it is like a part of me, like eating or breathing. I am pretty sure I wouldn't function if it ever went away.

I want to make bumper stickers that say "Pittsfield isn't really the Pitts" but that would require ambition.

Kathkin said...

Paige! It's Kathleen -- your former next-door neighbor on Gibson Street. I was just googling random names from the past on Friday afternoon (as you do after a glass of wine at lunch), and here you are . . . or THERE you are, on the East Coast. I haven't actually READ the blog -- I just saw it was you and started typing. Anyway, rather than blather away here, drop me a line at kathkin68@hotmail.com and we'll catch up. All's well with the Mullin family . . . in fact, today's our 7th wedding anniversary, Aidan has just started school, and Finn and Molly are great and lovong life in Auckland. We've been here for 2 years now. Hope all is well with you and John and Jordan and...oh, dear...Olivia? Chloe? I'm thinking Chloe, but I could be wrong. Hope I'm not. Anyway, hope to hear from you, lots of love to the Orloffs from the Mullins. xxxooo Kathleen